How can it be that after you've done everything you can think of, the chemically dependent person resists you, perhaps violently, and even denies there's a problem?
For the purposes of this page, let's hit just the highlights of a complex problem by making two statement and then examining them.
First, the chemically dependent person actually doesn't realize his condition because he has unconsciously built up a defense system that blinds him to that condition. It's a self-created blindness but real blindness nevertheless. Technically it's called a delusional system. Second, you and your family may be victims of the same delusional system and may therefore be unwittingly contributing to the chemical dependence.
Rationalization
As a person becomes increasingly dependent on alcohol or other drugs, he rationalizes his behavior. Rationalization is the intellectual process of making irrational behavior seem rational by creating false reasons. It's something we all do to soothe a bruised ego, to help us feel better about something we're not proud of. Why did I buy that extravagantly expensive suit? Will, it'll last for years, so it was actually a bargain. Why did I tell my sister off? Simply for her own good. Why did I eat that caloric candy bar? I needed a burst of energy.
Note that a rationalization must be unconscious to do its job of soothing us; if we saw through our own trickery, we'd still be uncomfortable with what we're trying to cover up. For the normal person, rationalizations are relatively infrequent and harmless, and if someone exposes the fakery, the normal person admits it. But for the chemically dependent person, rationalization is habitual and seriously harmful; rationalization becomes a whole way of life as he struggles unconsciously to defend his irrational use of alcohol. As time goes on, he rationalizes away every bizarre behavior. So he sinks deeper and deeper into a life of delusion, and the truth about himself recedes beyond reach.
Projection
As the person gets deeper into chemical dependence, rationalization alone isn't enough to bolster his deteriorating self-image. So he resorts to projection, the process of unloading his self-hatred onto others. "If you'd cook decent meals I wouldn't have to drink". "With the works my boss dumps on me, no wonder I need a few drinks to unwind".
Faulty Memory System
In the later stages of chemical dependence a third obstacle to facing reality moves in: a full-scale faulty memory system. As a result, the person really can't even remember what occurred during an episode of drinking or using. This faulty memory system takes three forms: blackouts, repression, and euphoric recall.
BLACKOUTS: This kind of blackout doesn't consist of passing out. It's a chemically induced, temporary loss of memory, and the person meanwhile behaves in normal fashion. But afterward he can recall nothing about the blackout time--and never will. The occurrence is unpredictable: sometimes a small amount of alcohol will cause a blackout; sometimes a large amount won't.
Such blackouts are one of the more definite signs of chemical dependence because they usually happen only in connection with alcohol or drug abuse.
As the person learns later about these blackouts ("What happened after 10 o'clock last night?" "Where did I leave the car?"), he becomes more and more bewildered, fearful, depressed. Memory losses become more frequent, more unpredictable.
Because the victim can't remember what he did, he has no way of reacting to his bizarre, antisocial behavior as would happen when a normal person misbehaves and afterward feels healthy embarrassment and remorse. His guilt, shame, and remorse are vague, nameless, and his anxiety prompts him to minimize or even to flatly deny eyewitness accounts of what he did. Then it's easy to blame others for being unfair to him.
REPRESSION: Like blackouts, repression causes forgetfulness, but this forgetfulness is induced psychologically, not chemically. The dependent person develops the ability to repress unwanted, shameful memory material that he can't rationalize away. The unconscious attitude is "I've got to forget", but of course the attitude is unconscious.
Unfortunately, the more bizarre the behavior is, the stronger is the instinct to suppress memory of it. The person becomes more nervous, resentful, hostile, self-pitying, perhaps even suicidal. All of this pushes him farther away from realizing his condition.
EUPHORIC RECALL: In the later stages of chemical dependence the person tends to recall only how good he felt while under the influence, not how badly he acted. So the drunk person insists on driving the car because he's sure he's perfectly okay. The next morning he remembers that he was perfectly okay last night--just as he believe it last night. Or a woman thinks she's the life of the party, though everybody else is actually disgusted with her conduct. Yet the next day she happily remembers what a hit she was.
These defense systems--rationalization, projection, a faulty memory system featuring blackouts, repression, and euphoric recall-shield the person from the reality of his situation.
Is it any wonder, then, that you haven't been able to get through to someone who's truly blind to his own condition?
But there may be another reason why you can't get through. As we mentioned in introducing this question, it may be that you and your family are caught up in the same delusional system.
When you live close to a chemically dependent person, you inevitably suffer from his bizarre, unpredictable behavior. Above all, you become the target of his projected self-hatred. He lets you know it's all really your fault. "If you'd keep those kids in line we'd have some peace around here".
As you absorb such abuse, your self-image deteriorates, and you unwittingly fall victim to defenses of your own--ones that are basically the same as his. You begin to take on one or more of the following roles.
The Protector
You begin to apologize to friends for his behavior. You call his boss with the excuse that he's sick today. You start to go along with his rationalizations: maybe he does need those drinks to unwind. Each pretense lowers your own self-esteem another notch, and your own defenses rise to conceal reality from you; you begin to believe your excuses.
As he continues to blame you for it all, you feel more and more inadequate and guilty. "Maybe I'm not much of a wife (or parent, or child, or friend) after all". So to prove you're worthwhile, you try to be the ideal spouse or parent or friend by protecting yourself and your family from facing the reality of what's happening.
The Controller
As he continues to drink and to blame you for it, you feel increasingly responsible for his behavior--it's all your fault, you think. To regain your self-respect, then, you feel it's up to you to bring his drinking under control. So you drink with him in hopes of keeping his drinking within limits. Or you avoid social events where he might drink too much. You may hide his liquor or throw it away. None of this works, though, because he isn't attacking his problem, and you're shielding him from it by trying to control it.
The Blamer
As your feelings of low self-worth get worse, you too resort to projections: all your troubles are caused by others, particularly by him. You resort to sarcasm, nagging, the silent treatment, threats. You swing between depression and outbursts of rage; you may wonder if you're going insane. In response, your defenses rise up to protect you from seeing the whole picture as it is.
The Loner
As you increasingly lose self-esteem, your defensive tactics alienate those around you. "I'm the only one who's holding this family together". "Here I am, wrecking my life just for you". You may even begin to withdraw and isolate yourself from family, friends, and most normal social interactions. You stand alone.
The Enabler
Like the dependent person, you too have developed defenses that blind you to the fact that you're making the situation worse. By being a protector, controller, or blamer you've unconsciously taken on more and more responsibility for his behavior. In effect, you're saying that his problem is really your problem, your fault. By shielding him from facing the consequences of his chemical dependence, you help him delude himself that his conduct isn't the problem. You've become an enabler because you enable or encourage his chemical dependence.
The Co-dependent
In short, you're now suffering from essentially the same disease as he is. It's predictable, progressive, and chronic--and it can devastate both you and your family.